Staying afloat after a big fight is never easy. You can’t figure out if you’re being crazy, or if your partner really is stupid enough to not understand what they did wrong, or why you’re so upset. When you’re mad all you want is for that one person to read your mind- do the right thing, say the right thing, and just be… right? But it never happens that way now does it.
A relationship isn’t always happy moments, filled with butterflies and unicorns jumping over rainbows. It is also hard work, making sure you’re significant other is happy, trying your best not to fight, compromising and saying you’re sorry even when you did nothing wrong. It can be a pain in the ass -a wasted box of chocolates and a night of horror movies, yelling at the dumb girl running towards the killer to grow some balls, as they say, and be stronger- be better. Now before you tell me I’m clearly not in the right relationship- you are very wrong because I’m as deeply and disgustingly in love as it gets.
I’ve definitely had my share of fights, 4 years worth to be exact. Sometimes I think my entire relationship is a set of fights, which is our way of working through the shit to make sure we end up happy and in love and blah blah blah (as you can tell, I may be in the middle of one of these fights atm so let me vent it out). After a while each phone call ends with- “you’re sick of this drama? So dump me and don’t bother”… But all you’re really thinking is you dummy I’m mad, ignore what I just said and fight for me! Tell me you know you’re wrong, that you love me and I’m not drama, I’m perfect, the love of your life. Now is that so hard to say? Don’t tell me you’re tired of me- that is the wrong way to go- do a u turn, reroute your current route and turn right in 300meters!
I have spent the past few days reading the book Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Now if you haven’t read the book, I’m guessing you saw the movie or at least heard about it from someone. It is seriously sick. It is so disturbed you begin to think, “damn and he thought I was crazy…”, but think about it- even some insane, deeply deranged “psycho bitch” (the books words, not mine), could find someone who was so perfect for her- who himself didn’t know who he would be without her… Now if that relationship is possible, why can’t I find a middle ground in mine?
Clearly relationships take work. More work than a lot of people want to put in. We all say it- we simply can’t imagine our lives without this one person. We want to convince ourselves that we’re done, we’re better off alone, but when it comes down to saying it out loud to that person we instantly get nauseous. Sick to the stomach from even the thought of looking this person in the eyes and saying lets end it… Its a lot easier to do in our heads where we are both voices- the one dumping and the one fighting to keep the flame going. You become your very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- so to speak. But then you see them, you’re upset and all you want to do is crawl into their arms, but instead you tempt yourself to say it- to say well we’d probably be better off apart, I wont cause you drama that way, and then you stop and think: Why the fuck am I sabotaging my own relationship? Because he forgot to call, or didn’t read my mind the way I expected him to? Who’s the psycho bitch now right Gillian Flynn!
A lot of the time fights end up being tests, a way to see if that other person will fight to keep you no matter what you do or say. It’s sick and twisted but it’s life and we all do it. I’ve learnt that people begin to sabotage themselves as a way to protect themselves. You push that one person away, test the limits, push them as far as they can go because at the end of the day you’ll be the one that hurt yourself not them. If you end it first- if you’re the cause of the breakup you can hate yourself for it, but you wont have to go through the pain of knowing they’re the ones who hurt you first.
The only way to really make sure you stay sane throughout the crazy is to know you’ll always make it out on the other side. This isn’t always the best advice, a lot of people wont deal with the crazy forever and at some point will leave- but others will be there no matter what. Find that one person who will make you you’re craziest self, and show them that they also makes you your sweetest, funniest, kindest self too… Nobody is perfect, but somebody will always be perfect for you and that’s all that matters at the end- someone to match your crazy with their own… Or maybe that’s just the book (Gone Girl-Duh) talking now.